I had a conversation with my coach (Pr. Ed) after training nearly a fortnight ago. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but I'll try.
Pr. Ed: So, what do you want to do?
Me: I don't know. I just know I want to leave Penang.
Pr. Ed: Why do you want to leave Penang?
Me: Because there's nothing for me to stay for anymore?
Pr. Ed: That's not a good enough excuse.
Me: Okay, because I don't know what I want to do therefore I think it'll be good if I get out of my comfort zone and see the world, meet new people, etc.
Pr. Ed: If you don't know what you want to do, then you should stay.
*at that point (and maybe admittedly I still do) I thought it was a weird piece of advice*
Pr. Ed: Many times, people on the move think they're doing something. They trick themselves into thinking that they're doing many things, and because of that they think they're doing something. But they're not. If you don't know what you want to do, you should stay.
I know I have mentioned several times on my blog now that the past two years have been quite a bitch. But I also realised that life two years ago was easier. It was full of heart break and hard work. But a broken heart meant that there was at least still a relationship of some sort. And hard work meant I had a goal, or at least something to fight for. It has been two years down the road, halfway through the year but I don't feel any wiser, or more accomplished. Many small things have happened. The big things, not so much. But the tiniest little events have the capability to add up and amount to something. Which is scary, because it would then mean that every little step we take is paramount. But it also brings hope, because if I get something done right today, tomorrow, and the day after, it would sum up to something someday. They say hope keeps us alive. But if that's the case, then why am I dying from it every day?
Nothing hurts more than seeing how much time has passed, how the months have flown by. And those months were meant to be ours, but I spent them lonely, without your company while you spent your daily with someone else, everyone else, anyone else but me.