Sunday, August 23, 2015

Bitter to better.

Had a friendly match with SWAT today, probably my last time on court with Rachel until a while. Waiting for my hair to dry, and just winding down from the long day. Thought about this blog - abandoned and filled to the brim with so many emotions. Much has happened since, but it always feels like nothing much has changed - probably because my feelings for you never did.

Even without reading my old blogposts, I know for a fact that I am better now. I'm no longer sad and depressed, and it is a good thing. When I do skim through my old blogposts, I understand and remember why was I so upset back then. And I never want anyone to have to go through such pain. It is one thing when other people give up on you but it is another when you give up on yourself completely. I remember going to the bar alone to drink, and driving back home (recklessly) and crying along to my emo playlist. Though drinks and night drives with a good playlist are still cool. And my emo playlist was pretty darn good. ;)

Perhaps it is important for everyone to go through such a period at least once in their lives. Maybe it's part and parcel of life. Maybe because they say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Who knows. But the one thing I somehow find myself unwilling to admit, is that I feel better. Which is probably why I left this blog abandoned for so long. Because 'better' might give you the impression that life is better without you. But it isn't. Life was better with you. I know, because it took me a long while to find better without you.

I don't think I've found it yet.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

It's been a long while since I last blogged about something substantial, let strongly feel about.

When I first stepped into uni late last year, I felt a strong sense of belonging... elsewhere. And I remembered feeling like my heart was going to burst from that want.

I remember questioning myself and the people around me what was I doing with my life and how is reading a dead textbook going to grow me and make me a better person.

I remember my wifey, Phaik Chern talking to me about Minerva Schools. And I thought, "Why not?" I've always been an avid believer of trying, because I was brought up that way. I can so clearly visualize mom's voice saying, "If you never try, then you'll never know."

I remember having read about Minerva Schools in the newspaper once, and my sister telling me that if I'm good enough, then I can be like them one day.

Fast forward ahead of the arduous applications process, cognitive tests and interviews and just about more than a month ago, I received an e-mail from Minerva Schools - "Today, you will know." But of course, I didn't know then because blame it on timezones. I was so caught up with uni then that I hadn't found time to properly sit my ass down and mentally prepare for what I was about to know.
Then during another one of my food poisoning stints (this time, it was the tuna in the fridge), I picked up a call from Kenn Ross, MD for Asia, asking me to check my e-mail and so I did.

Now, just what exactly is this 'school' that I'm talking about?

Minerva Schools offers a reinvented university experience for the brightest and most motivated students from around the world. Minerva places emphasis on global cultural immersion and encourages students to explore the city as their campus. At Minerva, students travel and live together at different residential locations on almost every continent, in cities such as San Francisco, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Seoul, Bangalore, Istanbul and London.

This year, they received 11,000 over applications and accepted only ~200 - a mere average rate of 2%.

Of course, it comes with a price. And the very fact that I am attending a public university in Malaysia itself is proof that my family is unable to offer me an overseas education experience but financial aid from Minerva has been extremely helpful and generous. Out of the estimated 28,000 USD per year, I only now have to pay 5,000 USD per year but that is exclusive of flight tickets and other miscellaneous fees which might inevitably crop up - one of my family's largest concerns.

When I applied for Minerva, I took it seriously. I was nervous, excited and I was expecting the worst, yet hoping for the best.

Ever since that fateful day when I received that e-mail, I felt like I've been living two lives at once - the one I have to keep up with and the one I want (I think).

Going to Minerva would mean that I'll finally get my opportunity to travel and learn from the world and its people, like what I've always preached about. It would mean meeting many of the most talented young people from all over and making lifelong friendships. It would mean a chance of a lifetime.

Going to Minerva, also meant leaving what is safe, comfortable and familiar. It meant leaving the Scuba Diving Club I was about to take up, my pending floorball dream which still has yet to come true (though looking at its state right now I doubt I'd want to be a part of it yet, and much of that utmost dedication and importance I once placed on floorball has somewhat dwindled as I learned that there were other aspects in life I've yet to explore). It also meant leaving and putting a burden on my old and aging parents (and dog).

There are some days where I feel, "If the money doesn't come, then perhaps it isn't meant to be." and there are days where I just downright say, "I want to go to Minerva."

5000USD is not a huge amount yet at the same time, it is.

This is a whole load of confusion, and I've no idea where this is going so I'm going to bed.

I'm just hoping God shows me the way.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Nothing hurts like you. Nothing hurts like no you.

I don't know how to put up with this heartache anymore because I've cried my eyes and heart out, I've mourned in every way I know possible and it still hurts like it was yesterday.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

3am thoughts again.

They tell me to take it one day at a time. So the insignificant days pass me by with a blur and before I know it, it's one month after the other. It scares me. It feels like I'm this morbid girl who's waiting, dreading for that day to come. Even though technically that day has already arrived. The day you leave. Or is it the day you left?

It's 3am and I could barely think. Yet, I do. I think of you. I think of us. I think of that face I love, the face I used to hold in my hands when we go on those car rides to anywhere and everywhere. My favouritest face in the world. I'm quite the grammar nazi. But for you, I'll make an exception.

Some days I wonder, is this all there is? Some days I feel like giving up. Some days I feel like there's nothing much worth living for. Some days I cry. Some days I suck it up. Some days I let it all spill. Some days I pull myself together so I can get through another day. Because I live for the possibility that some day, maybe you and I will be.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

When I first listened to this song properly about two weeks ago, I cried. Then I gave it another listen and another cry moments after.

Tonight, I still cry.